Barriers to Understanding: “It’s on A Case by Case Basis”
At the beginning of our licensing class, the teachers said that we would have a lot of questions, and frustratingly for us, the answer would mostly be the same:
“It’s on a case by case basis.”
Every case moving through the foster system is distinct. Each case represents a family, and each individual within that family is distinct, too. There is a general path through the system yes, but there are many, many ways a case will veer from that “standard.” In addition, different family members can have different paths through the system, even though they are on the same case. (For instance, children can be removed from a household with two parents, but ultimately reunify with only one parent, who is granted full custody at the end of the process.)
The benefit is that everything is supposed to be tailored, and therefore directly relevant, to the case and the individuals within it.
The downside is that no one is going through exactly what you are, and even your peers can’t necessarily give you quality advice. There’s a template, so it seems like things should go a certain way, but nothing goes according to the template.
From the perspective of the foster parent, this is crazy making.
From the perspective of a bio parent trying to reunify, I can only imagine this is absolutely terrifying. You want your kids back - it doesn’t get any more high stakes than that - but it’s that much harder to figure out how to be successful.
It’s one thing to learn something within a group, when you are all on the same page. It’s another thing entirely when you feel alone in your challenge, cut off from others who could help you through.
As a proactive foster parent in a well-resourced area, I often reached out to ask questions: I called hotlines, I attended continuing ed opportunities, I showed up for all the foster parent social gatherings. It was often a relief to be in a room where I felt other people “got it,” and I was so grateful to have spaces where we could just be us.
But when it came to specific questions about my case, or how to handle something that had come up, sometimes I got so many incongruous answers that they weren’t helpful at all. I often found myself feeling alone, or feeling like I was getting “bad” advice - it may have made sense for someone else’s case, but I couldn’t see it working for mine. It was incredibly frustating to be the diligent researcher and ask all the questions and call all the experts, only to have every single path I pursued be a dead end.
Over and over, I had to be quiet, tune in, and find my own answers. Over and over, I found myself going against the grain, doing things no other foster parents did, ruffling plenty of feathers and getting plenty of pushback as I went, because I was determined for this kid to be treated the way she deserved despite the limitations of the system.
“It’s on a case by case basis” - there’s a good reason for it, but for everyone, living that reality is incredibly hard.
What You Can Do:
Listen. If you are a trusted friend or loved one, being a solid, steady presence who can simply listen while someone else tries to untangle the crazy mess they are in, it can be hugely helpful.
Understand that people impacted by the foster system are going through an extraordinarily confusing time in their lives. Peer support is crucial, so if you can help them get to a peer support meeting (by babysitting, cooking a meal, covering a shift at work, etc) please do so.
It takes time and effort to carve a path where there isn’t one. If you can do something to help someone impacted by foster care have some “me” time (again, babysitting, cooking, taking on household chores etc.) that can be a great service to them.