Barriers to Understanding: Confidentiality
Due to the sensitive nature of abuse and neglect, children in foster care deserve their situation and history to be private, shared only on an as-needed basis. Where I served as a foster parent, California, childrens’ right to confidentiality is enshrined in the state’s Foster Care Bill of Rights.
As a foster parent, I was not allowed to disclose the fact that a child living with me was in foster care; or to disclose any piece of their story, except when sharing that specific piece of information was necessary for the child’s benefit (for instance, sharing something with the child’s pediatrician to make sure the child gets proper health care.)
Confidentiality is necessary.
Confidentiality is good.
It also throws up a wall between people.
During my time as a foster parent, I frequently confronted ignorance from “outsiders” about foster care. Confidentiality made me feel hamstrung in my ability to successfully educate others when ignorant comments were made. I had so many anecdotes that beautifully illustrated the poignancy of my daughter’s experience in foster care; in a few short sentences, I could have painted a world that other people would have understood very quickly. But if I shared those stories, I would be betraying my daughter’s confidentiality, and also in some cases, the confidentiality I owed to her biological parents/family as well. So instead I responded by discussing things I was allowed to discuss - generalities, facts. But the dry, factual way I communicated never seemed to get to the heart of the matter in a way a more personal story could have. The same people kept coming back to me with the same ignorant views, over and over.
This had a demoralizing effect on me - increasing my sense of isolation and frustration - but it also limited my ability to educate others. On a mass scale, I imagine that the very understandable desire for people to keep hard things private - due to fear, shame, stigma, a need for self-protection, etc - hinders the public awareness of what foster care is.
As an adoptive parent, I am no longer beholding to confidentiality laws, but I still hold a high degree of respect for my daughter’s privacy. Its hard for me to leave those stories unwritten, untold, and yet at the same time I feel like its the right thing to do. Maybe when she’s an adult and can give consent, those stories will come out. For now, they stay private, known only to a few confidantes, or told within the privacy of support groups.
For now, I carefully, carefully find other ways to share my experience with the world in an accessible and actionable way.
What You Can Do:
See the absence: remember that for everything you hear about foster care, there are many, many more stories that aren’t being told.
Seek out the storytellers: when they reach adulthood, children who have lived through foster care get to choose what and how much they share. There are many incredible writers, storytellers, and advocates among their ranks.
Respect boundaries and privacy: if you know someone impacted by foster care, please do not pry about the circumstances and details; you are not entitled to that information.
Be aware: any individual, family, or household being impacted by a current foster case is going through an exceedingly challenging time. A little kindness goes a long way. You don’t need to know the details to offer a meal, a prayer, or just let them know that you are thinking of them and wish them well.
Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean its not there: If you don’t think foster care impacts your community, you’re wrong. Your local community is probably a lot more impacted by foster care than you realize. Your co-workers, your neighbors, your schools, people you see at the grocery store, on the bus, or at the park: people impacted by foster care are all around, even if you aren’t aware of them. Again, a little kindness, and a little awareness, goes a long way. A higher level of foster awareness benefits everyone.